


i'm alone (no you're not)

by ussihavelovedthestarstoofondly



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Jim is adulting and growning, M/M, The Crew Is One Big Family, im shit at tagging, they will all die for their captain, yay abstract tarsus iv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 01:17:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14944928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ussihavelovedthestarstoofondly/pseuds/ussihavelovedthestarstoofondly
Summary: Sometimes, after certain bad away missions, or impromptu-ion-storm-caused camping trips, or even just planets that are a little too dusty, a little too dry, Jim feels it under his skin.“Any tips on how to deal with it?” Jim huffs out a quiet sound.“Probably the most important one is to not do it alone.”





	i'm alone (no you're not)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song Honest by the band Joseph  
> "I can't say a true thing  
> It's hard to be that honest  
> I know you're not asking  
> But I told you that I promised  
> There's always two thoughts  
> One after the other:  
> I'm alone  
> No you're not"
> 
> kudos make me happy and comments literally make me squeak and make my entire week.

           Sometimes, after certain bad away missions, or impromptu-ion-storm-caused camping trips, or even just planets that are a little too dusty, a little too dry, Jim feels it under his skin. It’s not a definable thing, but it’s there humming just under the surface. It’s what drives him out of his boyfriend’s arms at 0200 in the morning to go and pound into the punching bags until his hands are red and chaffed under the tape. And Bones, his Bones, his wonderful steadying anchor, his solid constant north star, never flinches in the face of the daunting trauma. Bones just shows up in the gym with a PADD, and leans against the wall. Occasionally Jim will hear him mutter something about the stupidity of engineers, but Jim never asks. Bones' presence alone is enough of a reminder that, should Jim so choose, he is there to listen.  
           Once Jim has tired himself out and his knuckles are raw and chaffed under the tape, Bones will get up and gently unwrap the tape, running his fingers over every inch of uninjured skin on Jim’s hands, before softly murmuring “Let’s go regen this before you go on the bridge, yeah? That green-blooded first officer of yours might just admit to emotion if he sees you’re not in tip top shape.” It’s enough to bring a slight laugh from Jim, and that’s enough for Bones.  
                                                                   ~~~  
           Spock notices almost immediately that something is wrong. Jim shoulder’s are too tight, his smiles are too brittle. Spock knows that Jim enjoys being in the landing parties. He enjoys leading them. Spock knows that Jim enjoys watching his crew grow excited and bubbly over new discoveries. Jim always listens intently to what Jim refers to as the science team's ‘scientific babble’, even if Jim doesn’t fully understand it.  
           This time, Spock can see that Jim is not fully paying attention to Ensign Colt as she chatters about the minerals in the planet's sand. Spock watches as Jim scans the horizon around them before checking over the crew. Spock does not know what horrors James Kirk’s childhood holds, but Spock is sure that they would make him feel the need to grieve if he knew them. He has, however, had many chances to observe Doctor McCoy, the Captain’s best friend and boyfriend, assist Jim through the difficulties. Spock stands princely seven centimeters closer than normal to his Captain. Jim looks up at him, and his shoulders drop marginally and the frown eases.  
           “Captain.”  
           “Yes Mister Spock?” Spock pauses for a moment, deciding on how to phrase the sentence.  
           “The crew has adequate access to food and water, and emergency supplies,” Spock says. He sees the corners of Jim’s mouth pinch.  
           “That obvious?” Spock shakes his head.  
           “On the contrary, Captain. You are worryingly astute at hiding it. I am your friend.”  
           “So they don’t know?” Spock pauses to look at the science team.  
           “It is unlikely Captain. However, if you ever wish to share the burden, I am here.” Jim reaches up, and squeezes his shoulder.  
           “Noted, Mister Spock. And thank you.” Spock nods, and follows his Captain to where two geologists are muttering excitedly over their readings and gesturing for them to come over.  
                                                             ~~~  
           “It’s 0045. I thought I was supposed to take over watch, Captain.” Nyota is surprised that Jim doesn’t jump when she whispers in his ear.  
           “Force of habit.” She almost doesn’t catch his sentence, whipped away as it is by the wind that is a warning of the ion storm swirling high in the atmosphere. Nyota doesn’t remember a lot about the last time an away mission went well and truly to shit. She was a little more concerned with not going into shock since the aliens had broken her femur. She hadn’t translated their language yet, but Nyota was pretty sure a broken leg is a ‘fuck off’ in any language. However, her Captain and the CMO hadn’t taken too kindly to that, and the three of them ended up in a prison cell for 37 hours until Spock negotiated their release. However, she did remember snippets of conversation between Jim and Len that, combined with some of the absentminded behaviors that by themselves were innocent, painted a terrible picture when put together.  
           “The storm will burn itself out in a few hours. We’ll be home in time for a few hours sleep and a good meal before alpha,” Nyota says. Jim doesn’t say anything.  
           “In Tanzania, before I moved away for college and Star Fleet, I would sit out on the back porch with my grandmother, and we would watch the sunset, and she would tell me the old myths of Africa. And she would tell me these stories of people who lived and died knowing only ten miles of land, of people who saw the stars as an entirely unattainable enormity. And when the sun had set, we would sit there listening to see if we could hear wild dogs, or lions or hyenas. And I remember listening to them, and looking up at the stars, and wondering if, even in our world today, how many beings felt lonely simply because they were not understood. How many people sounded like the lion on the plane, calling out to someone, but those who heard, did not understand.”  
           “And what about the lions that heard? The lions that understood? Did they come when he called?” Jim asks. Nyota stares up at the stars.  
           “I don’t know.”  
           “One of the stories my grandmother told me was about the dead. The Bantu people believe that the spirits of the dead linger, to guide and influence and help the living. They do not believe that this is eternal. The spirits of the dead live on as long as there is someone to remember them,” Nyota says.   
           “Elie Wiesel was a German author who wrote a book that he published in 1956 about the Holocaust and his experience in the concentration camps of Auschwitz and Buchenwald and he said that ‘to forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time.’ I think he’s right.” Nyota watches the profile of her Captain. Jim still has not looked down from starring at the raging sky.  
           “Whoever you're remembering Captain, it is a noble effort to remember them, but you should not carry their graves inside you. Humans are not dirt in which to bury each other. I doubt they would want you to forget your life trying to remember theirs.” Jim doesn’t respond. She doesn’t say anything else. They watch the sky rage together. They both jump when Jim’s communicator goes off about an hour before dawn.  
           “We’ve got transporters Captain!” Scotty’s thick Scottish accent comes over the communicator.  
           “Then beam us up, Scotty.”  
                                                             ~~~  
           It doesn’t happen often. Scotty thinks Jim probably is more likely to go somewhere private, but occasionally Jim comes to engineering practically begging for something to do. Scotty knows it’s because somethings wrong because almost always McCoy or Spock will show up a few hours later and drag him out of engineering. Of course, they can’t drag Jim out of Engineering if Scotty doesn’t tell them that Jim is in Engineering, so he doesn’t. He can’t decide who is scarier to lie to, McCoy or Spock when he says “Ah, no. I don’t think Jim is down here. I cannae say I’ve seen him. If I see him, I’ll tell him to find you.” He’s pretty sure that both Spock and McCoy know he’s lying, but they never call him out on it, and even if they did, he would never fess up to it.  
           Of course, when Jim crawls out of where ever Scotty sent him, looking ten years younger with grease in his hair and a genuine smile on his face, Scotty reminds himself that sometimes even the most well-meaning boyfriend’s or XOs can’t offer the strange sort of comfort one gets from working on the warp engines of a starship, and Scotty decides that a few lies to commanding officers are ok in certain circumstances.  
                                                              ~~~  
           Sulu never thought that the accidental terraforming of Observation Deck Three (that had been fun explaining to the Captain how seven of the botanists had gotten drunk and terraformed Observation Deck Three into some sort of botanical garden; Sulu thought McCoy was going to have an anuryism trying to figure out if any of the plants were going to send the Captain into anaphylactic shock), would have done such wonders for the crew, but a few months and accidentally-turned-purposeful community projects later, and it was like a little park on the Enterprise. Hikaru didn’t come here very often, too busy between bridge shifts and time in the botany labs to truly enjoy the garden. 

          When he did, he knew to avoid the left corner, which wasn’t really a corner due to the curved, saucer shape of the starship. He had stumbled upon the Captain there once, and hadn’t quite known what to make of the scene before him. The Captain was clearly communicating in a vid-call via the PADD he had help with someone. A Kevin Riley. The kid had kept calling Jim JT though.  
           In what was then, and most likely will continue to be, the biggest, most embarrassing, and most guilt-inducing violation of privacy of Hikaru Sulu’s life followed. He simply stepped back, out of sight, and listened. Jim and the kid talked about the Academy, (the kid is a cadet at the academy, in the command track, apparently, and had decided to look Jim up after years of separation.) Hikaru shamelessly bolts for the exit when he hears the kid on the PADD ask, “Hey, JT can I ask you something?”  
           “Sure, Kiddo,” Jim had responded.  
           “It’s about Tarsus IV.” Hikaru lost the rest of the conversation to the trees and distance he put between them. Hearing Jim associated with Tarsus IV filled in a lot of gaps in the Captain’s behavior that Hikaru hadn’t even known where gaps that could have been filled.  
                                                                 ~~~  
           “What do you want to know, Kev?” Jim asks. He watches the kid glance away, chewing on his lower lip.  
           “Any tips on how to deal with it?” Jim huffs out a quiet sound.  
           “Probably the most important one is to not do it alone.”  
           “What, like talking to people?” Jim shrugs.  
           “Maybe. I went to the ship’s therapist for a long time. Still do sometimes. But other than that, I don’t really talk to people. I told my boyfriend the whole thing once when we got really smashed on my birthday the first year at the Academy, but we don’t talk about it much. He just rolls with it, and sort of knows what I need or want. He only steps in and really gets involved past what I want to let him be if it starts concerning safety, for myself or the crew. He’s also the CMO so that’s sort of his job, but.”  
           “What about your crew?” Jim grins.  
           “I think most of them know, or have some indication. They never ask, but it’s pretty obvious they know something is up. I think it’s more out of their respect for me, and knowing that I’ve learned to ask for help, that keeps them from asking.”  
           “Do you think you’ll ever tell them?” Kevin asks.  
           “All of it?” Jim snorts. “Hell no. Maybe just that I was there. Maybe just bits and pieces, but not the whole thing.” Kevin studies him, narrowing his eyes.  
           “You’re not lonely?”  
           “I’m not lonely.” Jim isn’t surprised by the sincerity in his words, not any more.  
           “Maybe I’ll go talk to the counseling center on Monday,” Kevin mutters. Jim beams.  
           “That’s a great idea if you think it’ll help, Kev. It does get better, I promise. It just take some time.” Kevin grins back at him.  
           “Thanks, JT.”  
           “Anytime. You know where to reach me.”


End file.
